Michelle Hammond's Blog

Late in the midnight hour talking with a friend of mine we discussed why we do what we do even when we know it is not right.  Why the endless struggle to just do things God’s way? Given how much we profess our faith and ascribe to having a relationship with Christ, why does this thing called temptation get the best of us from time to time. I noted that everytime I became impatient or doubtful of if God would give me what I wanted I found myself vulnerable to falling. To taking life into my own hands and like a true “sistah” I do it for myself! But isn’t that the original sin in the garden? Or at least so she thought. There was no evidence to substantiate the serpents claim that God didn’t want her to be like Him knowing good and evil at the time. Uh, huh! The serpent was able to convince Eve she needed knowledge God did not give her. He convinced her that she was missing out on something. God was a suspect God. He was holding out on her. You better do it for yourself girlfriend! You owe it to yourself… you know that line… The serpent made her lose faith in God for a long enough period of time to make her grasp at fulfillment on her own. The cost of her fatal mistake and afternoon snack has cost us all dearly as we too, now struggle with the same conversations with the same serpent in our own personal gardens. So I concluded when we lose faith in God we sin. Plain and simple. When we stop believing in God we believe in ourselve or others to fulfill us, to provide our wants and needs… Lets unpack this…

The absence of faith is what makes us sin. Think about it. Singles struggle with compromising in the area of sex or choosing the wrong partner because they don’t know when they will get another opportunity for true love and intimacy! The married person has an affair because they don’t believe their spouse will ever meet their unmet needs… people steal because they dont’ believe they can honestly get what they need… on and on. the root of all our issues with caving into what our heart demands is not trusting God to meet us on the other side of our obedience with the blessing we so deeply desire. Can you really do things God’s way and get the desire of  your heart? Can He provide you with your soulmate? Can He get your spouse to love you the way you want? Will He supply your needs? Yes, but perhaps not in the time frame you had in mind. We want to skip the process of becoming people who can handle the blessing properly and just get to the blessing. God help us all! So how do we stand firm in times of temptation? A few simple tips?

1. Make sure we are truly connected to the Lover of our Soul.  When you are deeply in love you know, love and trust your lover completely. You will wait for them to fulfill their promises. We won’t cheat on Him and flirt with other lovers (gods).

2. Know Gods’ Word and His promises for you. You can’t wait if you don’t know what you are waiting for. Knowing His heart also means you know how He feels about you and what He wants for you. When you know He loves you and wants the best for your life  you can stand in confidence and not settel for less than the best for your lie.

3. Keep it real with a friend who can talk you through those moments when  you don’t think you can stand on your own. Somebody saying “chile, are  you crazy!?” helps, sho nuff. If you know you have to be accountable and the question will be asked, “How’s that going?” it will keep you on the right path. When I had to check in at Weight Watchers I didnt’ want the scale to tell on me so I stuck to my diet, same principle in life across the board. If  you only answer to yourself you are in trouble before you begin. The heart will always make up excuses for you. It is deceitful  and wicked, don’t trust it!

4. Set boundaries that protect you from your weaknesses. Don’t become paralyzed by them, just be honest with yourself and others so you can stand. I don’t keep sweets in my house, ’cause if they are there I will eat them! Get it? This is a maturity issue. A child keeps screaming til it gets what it wants. But adults learn to wait and pace themselves to get or achieve what they want in life. They have clear cut strategies for moving forward toward their dreams. So have a plan for yourself that keeps you on track. The last fruit of the spirit that no one talks about is Self Control or Discipline. You can’t be an adult without them. Make these two your best friends and see what happens to your life. Any successful person  you see walks with these two friends!

5. Finally brothers and sisters, love yourself enough to say no. Say no to things, situations and people who will cost you dearly later  after the initial pleasure wears off. Even the Bible admits that sin is pleasurable, but adds the caveat– for a season. There is a price to pay for everytime we wander from God’s path.  Lets grow up and develop longterm vision. After all this is your life, invest in yourself by not spending yourself foolishly.It’s called growing up with a healthy dose of surrender– which, by the way is your reasonable act of worship for all that Christ has done for you. So die a little, in order to live to the fullest.

Love  you madly, so want us all to get this thing called life right!

They said Jesus drank too much, ate too much and hung out with all the wrong people. What do people say about you? They also said he was a Healer, a miracle worker with an amazing teacher an astounding understanding of the Word of God. What do people see you doing? The religious leaders feared him, demons fled from him, sinners and the broken sought him out. What effect do you have on those around you? He refused to sin, refused to be tempted by offers of power, refused to have his own agenda or compromise the will of His Father? What do you refuse to do? He was clear about His mission. What is yours? Knowing the answer has everything to do with you fulfilling your destiny… not only to know Him, but to be a true imitator of Christ having an impact in the world that is felt in the heavens!

Last night the power went out for an hour… I lit candles and continued talking and laughing with friends. When I woke up this morning there was no water running in my home but I took it in stride…I knew the water would come, in the meantime I brushed my teeth with bottled water, filled the sink with the rest and finished my toilette.  But guess what? These things make me put life at large in perspective. This morning I woke up in my right mind, with all my body parts working!The pine-apple was sweet. My neighbor had a new puppy. Somethings I once took for granted I now celebrate. For many years when I lived in America I took a lot of things for granted. I heard of lack in other parts of the world but it was not my experience. Now on some micro level it has become a part of my reality now that I live in Ghana. Life is not always as convenient as it used to be. But this too is all relative. On the one hand America looks like the land of plenty. On the other hand many wonder at the plight of Americans and the mortgage situation there. They can’t relate to losing their home because here they build their houses brick by brick. Their homes are paid for by the time they move in and remain in the family for generations. Mortgages are a new thing to this part of the world and not readily embraced because people are used to living on a cash basis. They can’t afford to have credit, the interest is too high! So in a way there is no economic crisis! As for the quality of life, it cannot be compared. In a land where relationship takes priority over business I have to pause to reconsider how I approach my own relationships. How much reverence do I render to my interpersonal interactions. At the end of the day. Waht do I make the most time for? What is really important? Where is my wealth really stored? It is in my relationship with God, family, friends and associates. I live in a land where people take the time to celebrate life, love and yes, even death. Every benchmark of life is memorialized. Every moment spent together honored. This has not only transformed my mindset, it has had a positive effect on my emotions and my health. I am far more joyful and peaceful. Even the urgent is not urgent, it finds its place in the right spot as I practice being more present in the moment at hand. At the end of the day, everything is still there, no worse for wear. Perhaps you find yourself stressed and at the breaking point far too often. Take a deep breath and take the time to live in the moment allowing everyone and everything around you to settle like soft falling rain preparing the ground for the seeds God want to plant in your life.  Be still and know that He is God, the fruit of your life will come to bear in the fulness in time. In the meantime stop to enjoy the present, basking in the presence of His spirit and those who matter most.  Remember no one is going to talk about all you acquire or achieve after you are gone. They will only remember how you made them feel. Good feelings begin with you feeling good. Dont take that for granted!

As I settle back into being single, single, single You know some folk are single, but not really, if you know what I mean… I consider lessons learned from my last relationship.

First, I do not believe that God prevents anything in our lives. I believe when we listen to Him and respond to His word and instruction that He protects us from everything– disapointment, pain, our own bad decisions, the unseen factors we may not see for quite some time to come, etc. God loves us so much that if we are truly surrendered to Him, He will always make a way of escape from wrong situations or the places that are not good for you that we might unwittingly venture from time to time.

Secondly, every good man might not be God’s man for you. I so want His good, acceptable and perfect will for my life, don’t you? I have not waited this long in life to settle on any front when it comes to my life. Remember that God is determined to give you His best as well as what is best for you. Expect it and don’t embrace anything less.

Thirdly, it is wise to wait to make major decisions in your life, especially after experiences trauma, drama, or difficult times. Your emotional pores are open and susceptible to ingesting things God might not have intended for you.Just because he recues you doesnt mean he is right for you.  This is right up there with the verse in Proverbs that says “to the hungry soul, every bitter thing seems sweet” Wait until you are whole and can see clearly before moving forward to avoid further heartache.

Fourth, God does use people in our lives for specific reasons to faciliate His larger agenda for your life. Don’t take it personally when He removes them. Be willing to recognize the end of a season and move on. There is a time for dying and making room for sweeter fruit, allow the master Gardener to prune you, anticipating the blessing to come.

Fifth, every disapointment is an opportuntiy for greater hope to be birthed if you trust that in Christ you never lose anything worth keeping. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. If something or someone is removed from your life it is to make room for something greater.

Sixth, keep checking in with God and surrending the thing you love most even in the good season and stay open to hearing Gods’ voice and instruction. Sometimes situations and people change. God knows ahead of time every turn we take and prepares our heart for those unanticipated moments according to His design, so that in the end you can escape the sting of the pain the enemy of our hearts intended for your devastation. What the enemy meant for evil God will ultimately use for His good to make you wiser, stronger and hopefully more sweet!

Remember, relationships will come and go, all things will pass away, but it still ain’t over til we see Jesus, and trust me that is when the ultimate love experience that will be everlasting will begin. So in the words of Evita, “Don’t cry for me Argentina” pray for me instead that I will continue to soar on the wind of God’s plan for my life, onward and upward! I will continue to dance as if no one is watching, sing as if no one is listening and love as if I’ve never been hurt. It’s called faith…plain and simple… the only real adventure.

I have to admit, the first half of my life marriage was on my goal list. Probably more because I thought it was supposed to be than anything else. Yes there was a real desire there for marriage but for all the wrong reasons. The external pressure became greater than my internal desire for marriage. As I grew to embrace my single status, my purpose, pursuing my destiny, and a deeper intimacy with Christ, marriage fell off my goal list and I realized that it wasn’t so much that I wanted to be married… I wanted to be married to the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. At the time I had not met that person. This is when I realized that the end goal should not be just getting married. The end goal should be spending your life with someone that you met who is so wonderful  you no longer want to live apart from them. When no one like that is in sight I find that marriage is not on my list of things to do. There is no inspiration for it. I do not want to marry a dream or an oasis. I want to marry a real live man who adds to my world, who challenges me to be a better me, who takes me to a whole new level of understanding the love of God.

I believe it is important to understand the purpose of marriage through God’s eyes in order to put marriage in perspective. Marriage is more about God’s will and kingdom agenda than about our personal desires. God wants to put together power couples that reflect what the kingdom of God looks like and how it works. The intimacy, children, joy and validation we get are all extra perks, company benefits I will say, but they they are not the purpose of marriage. With this in mind, those of us who are single need to live each day with great purpose– the goal of becoming the best we can be. Whole, thriving and joyful! Have something to bring to the party called marriage should you reach the altar. The more fulfilled you are as a single the greater your power to choose the right mate. Desperation will never have the advantage of decieving you to settle for less thatn the best God has for you. The richer your life as a single person the greater your life will be as a married person. The more fulfilled you are as a single person, the least likely you will be to walk into marriage with unrealistic expectations that threaten to rob your joy and ruin your marriage. Should marriage be a goal? I think not. The goal is being where God wants you to be at any given moment, because that is the best place to be. In His presence is fulness of joy.

One of the greatest gifts God has given us is the power of choice. This has to also be the most under-used or misused gift we have. So many abdicate the power of choice in lieu of  “fate”, which is not mentioned in scripture. You may say, but Michelle, the word says that “man makes plans but it is the determination of the Lord that prevails. Could it be His will prevails according to the choices you made? Perhaps you showed Him by your choice you could not be trusted with certain things or not ready for others.  A “que sera”, “who knows, what will be will be” attitude is a weak excuse for not mastering your life and taking responsibility for the choices or lack of choices that you make. God holds us accountable for those choices. The way to make wise choices is to know the mind of God and do what you know He woud do. To love what He loves and hate what He hates.  If you truly have the mind of Christ you are “perfect” or “mature” enough to make wise decisions. The only thing that keeps us from making sound decisions is lack of information or fear. I have two remedies for that. First pursue God who freely gives wisdom without being condescending, the second is to develop a deep, abiding and perfect love for God. Love perfected casts out all fear because you have grown into trusting God completely without question. With these two things established in our lives we are empowered to make right choices. It is ironic that Lady Wisdom and Lady Folly look identical upon first introduction. In the book of Proverbs we see them both preparing banquets and inviting guests to come and partake of the fare they are serving. They both do the same thing with very different results. One dinner party leads to life, the other to death! Seemingly harmless choices can lead to life or death every day of our lives. Think carefully how you approach and respond to circumstances in your relationships, finances, work life, etc Your choices and habits determine your future. Ask God to help you make the right ones.

I wish love just happened but it doesn’t. If you don’t work your relationship, your relationship will not work. That means you have to dig in, do the work to keep your love alive and thriving. That means you have to communicate. Have meetings to handle your business. The business of love that is! Any company that wants to grow takes the time to take stock of their progress, locate the weak links, what is not working and reconfgure accordingly. Don’t leave your emotions open to assumptions. My mother always used to say, the word assume broken down makes an “ass of you and me!” The donkey version, not the curse word version But it is true. Things are never what they seem, therefore do not assume. Ask questions, speak the truth in love, help your partner love you. They won’t know how to unless you tell them and show them. Be a living example of what you expect. Don’t frustrate your partner with unspoken expectations. Misplaced expectations are the enemy of every relationship. Guard against it. Nurture a non-threatening environment to share honestly how you are feeling and what you need from your partner. When they get something right celebrate what they did so they will do it again! Take your time, breathe in, breathe out and calmly state your case minus attitude. Don’t make your partner feel as if they need to defend themselves, empower them to want to meet your need. First examine if you are meeting their needs, don’t leave yourself open to the distraction of their unmet needs while highlighting yours! There is no room for pride in a relationship. Jesus thought it not robbery to leave the lofty halls of heaven to come and die for us. We too must be willing to die to our “rights” and discover our rights hidden in Christ. There is a difference between having a healthy understanding of your value and being ruled by pride. One knows how God wants you to be treated versus how you want to be treated. And remember Gods standard will always be higher than yours! In this life, there are  no lights, camera, action in the romance department.  No quick fixes that magically happen. That means we have to keep it real! While being really loving. Pursuing peace, growth and reconciliation. That is the purpose of relationship, to make us all closer to God and one another. In the end  He is glorified and His kingdom multiplies because you make Him look good in your relationship. So end the fantasy of being whisked away on a white horse and be willing to walk it out with your partner. Trust me, it works!

So many have asked how do you recover from love violated and trust destroyed… It’s scary but one must take the leap and dare to love again. I remember years ago I was running track at school. I had become quite good at jumping hurdles. I was made for it. I was fast with extra long legs that caused me to soar easily over the obstacles placed in my path. One day I suppose I had grown a bit too confident. I didn’t pace myself well or count out my steps correctly to prepare for the leap. Sure enough I brought my leg down too soon and dragged the hurdle behind me, wounding myself as the hurdle scraped the length of my leg leaving me with quite an ugly and painful scar. From that moment I couldn’t bring myself to jump again. I faltered everytime I approached a hurdle. In my disappointment I abandoned something I had loved and excelled at. I never trusted myself to get it right again. Love is like that. Perhaps we grow too confident and don’t do the work it takes to keep our hearts intact. We underestimate our instincts and overestimate the capacity of our partners to take care of our hearts. We don’t pace the relationship well, we leap too soon, relax when we shouldn’t, or wesimply make repeated bad choices. And then worse of all, once we’ve been hurt we fear leaping again and forsake the very thing that gave us joy altogether. This is usually when we cut off the wrong person and miss out on the love that we truly wanted!

The key to a healthy recovery is in the cliff notes version, a few simple steps:

1) Acknowledge that love will always be a risk, but it is a wonderful decision. After all God took a risk on loving us all. Some of us responded, some did not.

2) Every heartache holds valuable lessons that strengthen us for the next experience.  You do not have to have a repeat of your last disappointment. Live, love and learn.

3) Acknowledge the pain. Take responsibility for the parts that are yours, whether you ignored the signs or contributed to the demise of your relationship only you can say– but be honest with yourself. The truth will make you free!

4) Choose to accept the humanity of the other person and forgive. People can only do what they know to do. If they don’t know how to love you properly that is not your fault. It is your fault for not taking the time to know if they were worthy of trusting them with your heart.

5) Remind yourself that your past does not dictate your future. Love is worth the risk because of the great rewards in store when we get it right. Know that  you will never lose if you choose to love in spite of the other persons response. We are always the richer for giving. Dare to love again. Remember the deception always comes before the blessing, don’t miss it! Run slower, jump higher and love as if you’ve never been hurt before.

If you want to read more on this topic. order my book Release the Pain, Embrace the Joy, How to Get Past Disappointment and The Real Deal on Overcoming Heartache. log on to michellehammond.com and click on the store to order. Love does prevail!

So impressed with the comment by this sister on my facebook page I had to post it here!

The Message version of Phillipians 1:9 says, ” So this is my prayer that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your hed and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lovers’ life circumpsoect and exemplary, al life Jesus will be proud of; bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ atrractive to all. I asked the question what does loving will look like and sister girl said:

Yolanda Robinson Fluffe For me it would have to mirror the word of God. There is no such thing as a perfect person but when it comes to a respectable level of love it’s a given. There are base levels of living love that we must show to one another as well as speaking words of love to one another. Love is agape! Unconditional love! Love is a verb! Therefore it requires action! Love is giving! Giving your very best at all times with out expectancy! Not always will those we love reflect that same love back to us! However God still requires that we give, for it it is the right and fitting thing to do. We put this into action by “thanks living” when we live the love we give the love! We must have the accurate understanding of what true love is and be willing to give it! We must also know that a large portion of the love we have within us was put their without measure by God so that we have a endless supply to lavish upon our spouses, children, family, ad friends! God is so awesome he gave us enough to love our enemies and the ability to be kind! He said we are to use a small portion to love ourselves! However the sustaining love that is need to nurture us has to be given to us from others. As a wife God gave her love so that it is given to her husband and the husbands love belongs to the wife! So we must not hoard the love that dwells with in us it was put there to be given to others! I will give it in thoughts, words, and deed! And it will definitely be unconditional!

Couldn’t have said it better myself, you go girl! I’m not mad at cha’ just don’t take my job!

• Keith Russell Lee When a man truly understands his role as King and Priest of the household and his wife understands her role and they understand the PURPOSE of God why they are together, infidelity is not a problem. Infidelity becomes a problem when we do not understand PURPOSE and the urgency of fulfilling God’s plan! That’s the short answer! Stay tuned for the teaching series! LOL!
• Michelle McKinney Hammond Keith you know you said that! Say it again, say it loud! so true. marriage has a purpose that transcends our personal pleasure! Its about power couples being formed to carry out God’s kingdom agenda and glorify Him here on earth. Pleasure is the fruit of that. I appreciate you, spoken like a true man of God. I honor you for that. You should do a teaching series on that…
• Sara Dormon Of course men can be faithful…but first they must be faithful to God and then being faithful to their wife will be easier. Let’s not forget these unfaithful men and being that way with women….faithfulness to anything is a choice and one you may have to make every day or every hour…but it can be done. I have a faithful husband of 38 years
• Kingsley Okoroafor Michelle I am confused this time!
• Michelle McKinney Hammond Kingsley why are you confused? Basically I was saying the bible acknowledges that faithfulness is a problem for mankind. However God’s faithfulness shows us it is possible because if He is our father we inherit His capacity for faithfulness. sometimes when you look around you and it seems that no one is keeping Gods standard you begin to wonder if you are alone and naive, but we should be encouraged that God rewards obedience in His own time. In the meantime we can put an end to unfaithfulness by making individual choices where we are to honor one another’s relationships. If everyone one said no to someone who was attached, no one would be able to cheat! I know that’s another mouthful but I hope that clears up any confusion.